


Who's the Murderer?

by InkStainedHands1177



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Amused Skulduggery, Gen, Not Amused Valkyrie, Practical Jokes, Who's On First Skit Copy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 09:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9602654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkStainedHands1177/pseuds/InkStainedHands1177
Summary: Skulduggery plays a joke on Valkyrie. She is less than pleased.





	

Who's the Murderer?

Skulduggery called Valkyrie into his den. “Erskine’s given us a list of criminals to interrogate.” He made sure to keep his posture completely innocent. He thanked all his centuries of life that taught him how to act so convincingly.

She nodded and continued munching her pizza. “What’re their names?”

Skulduggery leaned his head back, holding back his maniacal laughter. “Who is the murderer. What is the burglar. I Don’t Know is the arsonist.”

Valkyrie stared at him. “You’re in charge of the interrogation, right?”

“Yes.” His voice perfectly calm.

“You’ll be the one asking the questions too?”

“Yes.”

“And you don’t know their names?” Her eyes were filled with shock. Usually Skulduggery was so fastidious about his job.

Skulduggery tilted his head in astonishment. “Well, I should.” He sounded insulted.

She shook her in confusion. “Well then, who’s the murderer?”

“Exactly.” He sounded matter of fact about it.

Valkyrie tried not to growl. “I mean the jerk’s name!”

“Who.”

“The murderer.”

“Who.”

“The guy who goes around killing people!”

“Who.”

“The guy that-”

“Who is the murderer!” Skulduggery sounded frustrated at her. It was as if he discouraged with her with her lack of understanding.

Valkyrie kicked his desk. “I am asking _you_ who’s the murderer!”

Skulduggery nodded, almost sagely. “That’s the man’s name.”

Valkyrie held back a scream of frustration. “That’s who’s name?!”

“Yes.”

She crossed her arms. “Well go ahead and tell me!”

Skulduggery shook his head despondently, inwardly trying not to crack up. “That’s it.”

She stared at him. “That’s who?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

She changed her stance. Clenching her fist slightly, she counted to ten and then back to one. Taking a deep breath, she spoke. “Look, you said that there was a murderer?”

Skul nodded. “I did.”

“Who’s the murderer?”

Skulduggery tilted his head in a smile. “That’s right!”

She breathed through her nose. “When he is incarcerated, who will be thrown in jail?”

Skulduggery nodded. “For ten years.”

Valkyrie stared at the ceiling, trying her hardest not to let Darquesse out. “All I’m trying to find out is the murderer’s name.”

Skulduggery nodded, as if that was an understandable thing to do. He answered. “Who.”

She sighed. “The guy that’s thrown in jail?”

He tilted his head in a smile. “That’s it.”

“Who get’s ten years?”

“Every minute of it. His wife will be allowed to visit of course.”

She stared at him. “Who’s wife?” Her eye was twitching.

“Yes.”

They stared at each other. There wasn’t a sound, just the clock ticking away on the mantelpiece and Valkyrie’s heavy breathing.

Skulduggery took in Valkyrie’s appearance and cocked his head to the right. “What’s wrong with that?” He wished he had a camera.

Valkyrie pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “Look, Skul, all I wanna know is when the jailer fills the charts records, how does he sign the murderer’s name?”

“Who.”

Valkyrie stared at Skul as if he had lost his nonexistent mind. “The guy.”

“Who.”

“What name does the jailer write down?”

“Who.”

She slumped into the extra seat. Skul was testing her. This had to be a test of some sort. He couldn’t be doing this just for cruel and unusual entertainment. He wasn’t like that…he wasn’t sadistic…was he? Honestly, she was surprised she had stayed calm for so long. She looked up at him. He seemed genuinely confused as to what the problem was. Her brain replayed the conversation. She shook her head. She still didn’t get it. What was the murderer’s bloody name?!

“The jailer puts whose name in the charts?”

Skulduggery tilted his head in a smile. “You’ve finally got it. Yes, he does.”

“Who?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

She jumped up and screamed at him. “ALL I’M TRYING TO FIND OUT IS WHAT’S THE MURDERER’S BLOODY NAME!!!!!!!!”

Skulduggery sighed and shook his head. “No, Val, What is the burglar.”

She howled. “I’m not asking you who the burglar is, you numbskull!”

He sighed. “Let’s keep insults out of this shall we? Who is the murderer, not the burglar, Valkyrie. Try and keep up. I thought you were more intelligent than this.”

She summoned fire. “I _am_ intelligent! Now! One criminal at a time!”

He stared at the fire in her hands. “You’re the one that’s changing the criminal’s names around, not me.” He was never so glade that his skull didn’t have expressions. This was priceless revenge.

The fire blazed hotter. “I’M NOT CHANGING NOBODY AROUND!!!”

Skul eased away from the fireball. “Take it easy, Val.”

She hissed out a sigh and extinguished the fire. “I…I’m only asking you once. Who is the murderer?”

He sighed. “Exactly right.”

She stared at him. Her expression was one of murder. “Okay…” He could tell that she was planning his second death. It somehow involved a stapler gun, and a pair of roller skates. He shuffled in his seat to try and hide his obvious enjoyment of her predicament. He glanced at the completely blank, official looking document. Oh, yes, revenge was sweet.

She took another deep breath. “What is the murderer’s name?”

Skulduggery groaned. “Nooo! What is the burglar’s name.”

She screamed obscenities at him. “I’M NOT ASKING WHO IS THE BURGLAR!”

He leaned away from her. Keeping his voice as calm as possible, he spoke. “Who is the murderer, Valkyrie.”

She glared at him. Her voice was low and menacing. “I. Don’t. Know.”

He sighed. “That the arsonist, we’re not talking about him.”

That pulled her up short. “How did we bloody get to the bloody arsonist?!”

He tilted his head in a smile, which was really a smirk. “You mentioned his name!”

She gave him a beady eyes glare. “If I mentioned his name, who did I say was the arsonist?”

Skulduggery groaned. “No, Valkyrie, who is the murderer…”

“What is the murderer’s name?”

“No, what is the burglar.”

“I don’t know!!”

“He’s the arsonist!”

She threw her hands up in the air. “There I go, back to the arsonist again!”

They stared at each. Skulduggery started organizing his papers. She sat gingerly down on her seat again, but she didn’t break eye contact with him.

She spoke with care. As if one little thing would set her off. “Would you just stay on the arsonist, and don’t talk about the other criminals?”

He nodded. “Alright. What do you want to know?” He steepled his hands together and leaned onto his desk. She sighed and slumped further into her chair. Her pizza, long forgotten, sitting innocently on the table beside her.

“Who is the arsonist?”

Skulduggery shook his head sadly. “Why do you keep insisting that Who is not the murderer?”

“What is the arsonist’s name?”

“No, Val, What is the burglar!”

“You don’t want _who_ to be the burglar?” Her eyes shined. She might be getting her answer!

Skulduggery just shook his head. “No, Who is already the murderer! You can’t ask them to change their vocations, just because you don’t like how they’re named! Now Valkyrie, listen to me. Who is the murderer!”

She glared at him. “I DON’T KNOW!”

He was about to speak. She beat him to it.

“Arsonist!” They both spoke in unison. She groaned and stared at him, and stared at him, briefly considering if she should break his vertebrae.

Deciding to take a break from the first three criminals, she changed tack. “Look, Skul, are we going to interrogate a jewel thief?”

“Yes. She’s on the list.”

Valkyrie nodded. “And the jewel thief’s name is…?”

He stared at her. “Why.”

Her eyes widened. Skul had never been so brusque with her. “I just thought I’d ask you!” She hissed at him.

He sighed. “And I just thought I’d tell you! Stop being so cranky, Valkyrie!”

“THEN TELL ME WHO IS THE BLOODY JEWEL THIEF?!!” Her throat hurt, but she didn’t care.

Skul groaned. “Valkyrie, Who is the murderer!”

She wanted to crack his cranium. “I’m not talking about him!! Keep off of the first three criminals!!! Now tell me! What is the jewel thief’s name?”

“No! What is the burglar!”

“I’m not asking you who is the burglar!”

“No. Who is the murderer!”

“I don’t know!”

““Arsonist!”” She shouted as he spoke it. He shook his head. She started eating the cold pizza in order to stop herself from setting his hat on fire.

After she downed the slice of pizza she cleared her throat.

“Look, we are going to interrogate the jewel thief, so we need to know her name.”

“Why.”

She glared at him. “Because!”

Skulduggery looked up from his paperwork. “That’s the anarchist that was just arrested.”

She took a breath. She was not going to kill him. She was not going to kill him. She was not going to kill him.

“Skulduggery?”

“Yes?”

“You have a forger on the interrogation list, right? The name of the forger is…?”

“Tomorrow.”

She blinked. “You don’t want to tell me now?”

“I’m telling you now!”

“Then go ahead!”

Skulduggery was about to loose his self control. He really should an award for this performance. “Tomorrow!”

She held back a howl of rage. “What. Time.”

Skulduggery cocked his head at her in confusion. “What time what?”

“WHAT TIME TOMORROW ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHO IS THE FORGER!!”

Skulduggery sighed and stood up. “Valkyrie, Who is the not the forger!”

Her eyes turned red. “I’LL BREAK ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY IF YOU SAY WHO IS THE MURDERER!!” She clenched her fist and refrained from denting his desk. “What is the forger’s name?”

“What is the burglar.” He seemed tired and confused as to what she was having trouble on.

She stared at him. “I don’t know!!”

He opened his skeletal mouth. They spoke in unison again. ““Arsonist.””

They stared at each other. It was all he had not to scream with laughter. Valkyrie was too busy trying not to scream with anger to notice his attitude. He seemed more mirthful and less frustrated than he normally would have been.

She glared at him hard. “You have a con woman on the list, right?”

“Yes…”

“The con woman has a name right?”

“Today.”

She stared at him, but didn’t say anything about that. “Today…”

“Yes.”

She glared at the ceiling thinking hard. If Skul had a tongue, it would have been in his cheek right then. He could tell she was nearing the break through. He held back a snicker. Either a break through or a break down.

“Today lies, and Tomorrow forges?”

He viciously held back another snicker as he spoke. “Now, you’ve got it.”

She stared at him. “Got it? All we have is a couple of _days_ on the shitty list!” She took a deep, deep breath. Skul almost felt sorry for her, but then he remember her stepping on his hat during their last case and all sympathy vanished. He also remember stealing his head and drawing a mustache on it. Oh yes, she deserved this.

She sighed. “You, know, I’m a pretty good actress. I could be a con woman.”

“Really, now?”

“Yeah. So let’s say I’m this con woman. All the criminals on the list are working together to pull off a heist. Today gets an invite to this wealthy dude’s party. Her invite was forged by Tomorrow. They distract the host of the party so Who can kill the guards that were guarding the host’s collection of valuable. What picks the lock of the of the safe, and Why sneaks in afterwards and steals all the jewelry. They all escape, and I Don’t Know burns the place down to remove evidence. Because later writes a speech on how criminals should not be harassed because of things they can’t help but do.”

Skulduggery tilted his head in a smile. Despite all the problems that they had gone through, he was proud that she had solved this mini mystery. “That is the first thing you have said right this whole time.”

She stared at him in incredulity. “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M BLOODY TALKING ABOUT YOU SKELETAL IMBECILE!!!!!!”

He wished that he had the ability to lift his eyebrow. Oh how he wished he had eyebrows. “Really? It’s interesting that you finally were able to admit that you were ignorant of something…that doesn’t usually happen.” He couldn’t conceal all the mirth from his voice. Her face got deep red. With rage or embarrassment, he didn’t know.

She was about to scream at him when she froze. _Who is the murderer? Who is…IS…_ IS AS IN A STATEMENT. Her eyes widened and then narrowed. _He is one dead Dead Man._

Skulduggery took note of her change in emotion and silently started getting up from his chair. He eased over to the window, only to jump away as fire seared his gloved hand.

Her eyes were dangerously sharp. Her voice was low and dark. “So Skulduggery, let’s recap what we’ve learned today. Who is the murderer. What is the burglar. I Don’t Know is the arsonist. Why is the jewel thief. Because is the anarchist. Tomorrow is the forger. Today is the con woman. And you know what?! I don’t care!”

“What was that?” He couldn’t believe how well this worked out.

“I said, I DON’T CARE!”

“OH! That’s the vampire!” Skulduggery couldn’t hold it back. He started howling with laughter.

Valkyrie charged at him with an inhuman howl of rage. He twisted away and dodged all her attack, continue his laughter to whole time. She eventually stopped attacking him. Her face was red with anger.

He chuckled. “My dearest Valkyrie Cain, that has to be the best moment of my entire life! I thank you. I had no idea that a human being could turn into so many shades of purple and red!” He started laughing even more. She screamed obscenities at him in rage, and stormed out of the room. He snickered. Leaning over his desk he pressed ‘STOP’ on the recording machine.

**Author's Note:**

> This is taken nearly word for word from a skit that was performed in the 1940s by a comedy team called Abbott and Costello. The skit was originally called 'Who's on First?' It's on YouTube. I highly recommend it! I do not own the skit or material.   
> Thank you for reading! And I hope you enjoyed!  
> Ink...


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